After spending 12 years as a professional dancer in Australia and overseas, I studied acting at the Australian Academy of Dramatic Arts. I am now in my second year of a degree in business/ communications and Journalism at the University of Wollongong. I am interested in writing about the health, food, dance, film, music and travel...all my favourite things! I look forward to learning from other writers on UPIU and hearing your comments.
2000 people gathered at Sydney’s town hall at midday today to march for equal rights for same-sex couples.(Read)
Dressed in black leather, his trademark a handlebar moustache and long white hair, 58-year-old Steve Melchior is, by ...(Read)
While we are busy lining up for value meals in fast food outlets, one bargain we often overlook is its effect on our ...(Read)
|
I admire him as I read the interesting story. Police are unfriendly people. They just bring hell close to your eyes I don't know why.
|
Interesting feature of a guy who's obviously very interesting. But he makes several accusations about police that should call for one or two comments from authorities. I enjoyed the read, though.
|
|
This is nicely put together with the right amount of hard data to go with comments from people with important perspectives to the issue. It's usually the lack of food that grabs people's attention but in so-called developed countries the excess of food -- and particularly food not that beneficial in terms of health aspects -- that is a problem. It's important to show a light on problems like that.
|
Great story, Jessica! I agree that cheap is food often has a higher long-term cost than we anticipate. It's interesting to hear the Australian perspective. Obesity is a huge problem in North America as well, but it seems globalization is causing our waistlines to expand in a very synchronized manner!
Nice work; I look forward to your next story.
Ted Iliff commented on "I now pronounce you, illegally wed" (7 months ago)
Without getting into detailed editing of this story, let's focus on two points.
First, this paragraph:
"Two men who took part in the illegal wedding ceremony, Bill and Andrew Whitbread-Brown from Newcastle, are just one example of a same sex couple that can make a life long commitment to each other. The obviously happy and loving couple have enjoyed 19 years together, were married in Canada, but are not recognised as a legal union in their home country."
How do we know? How can we be sure they weren't there just to advocate for same-sex marriage while barely talking to each other at home? My point is that in journalistic terms, this assumes too much. We can tell the reader what they say and how long they've been together. Things like "obviously happy and loving couple have enjoyed 19 years together" are for them to say with attribution, not the reporter. We have no way of knowing the condition of their relationship, unless we know them well, in which case we must tell the reader.
This was also over the top:
"Love was the feeling in the air as the thousands of people of all ages and walks of life gathered at Town Hall. Cheers of hope and joy rang out as speakers addressed the crowd."
Everything in this paragraph is conveyed by the quotes and actions documented elsewhere in the piece. Therefore, this paragraph sounds like cheerleading and could be eliminated without damaging the content or tone of the story.
The other point is that the story would be stronger if we heard a little more from the opponents to same-sex marriage. Something more on Gillard's reasons for her announcement would probably be enough.
Overall, this story has an abundance of great quotes and color that by themselves convey the point of the protesters. Using their words and adding a little more from the other side would make this story unassailable in terms of the principles of good journalism.
Ted Iliff
UPIU Mentor